Gut Punch

I began this blog about three years ago, thinking I would have more time to write. I’ve always longed to engage in this particular passion more often, tapping into a more creative outlet than my daily analytical side. As a child I always enjoyed reading novels, going on adventures to new places. Sometimes it was a place in the distant past or just a different present. I also enjoyed regaling classmates with my own stories and tales, delighted in the joy it seemed to bring those around me as I shared fictious exploits of my family and made-up characters.

I guess I imagined this blog as a way to recapture some of that experience and take it on a new ride. An adult ride. PG of course. But adulting is hard. And this past week I’ve learned all too well how hard.

My daddy is dying.

I am the essential daddy’s girl. And I revel in it. I have incredible memories a wonderful childhood with an indulgent father who has provided me with everything I ever needed and more.

Don’t misunderstand me. I wasn’t indulged to the point of being coddled. I was challenged to be the best me. And I was always told I could be anything I wanted to be. There was no bar too high I couldn’t vault over if I wanted and tried hard enough.

I also was always told I was enough. I never felt I had to do more – nay anything – to be loved.

I am daddy’s girl.

Therefore, last week when daddy went to the ER in tremendous pain, we knew it would be bad. We just didn’t realize it would be this bad. Daddy survived prostate cancer over fifteen years ago and has continued to live an active life around the house building onto his home, working (retiring recently for a third time!), and farming which is one of his favorite passions.

But the cancer has returned with a vengeance. And has spread to his bones and other organs. The news each day following his initial visit to the ER seemed like another round in the boxing ring with the prizing winning fighter of the day named cancer. The final insult was the call from hospice with the meeting on the seventh day following the new diagnosis and visit to the ER.

And I’m not sure how to process it all. Except maybe here.